To Every Season....

I had lunch with some friends I hadn't seen in awhile today. As always, conversation ended with kid updates. After proving the group with the latest Hazel-isms, one of the ladies mentioned that I should really start a blog with all of the crazy things my kid says and does. Funny she mentioned that. Turns out I do have a blog about my kid...but it just so happens that I haven't written on it in over a year and a half. In a very rare and naked moment, I'm going to explain why...

It's been involved of the most horrifying, exciting and emotional 18 months of my life. I realized early last spring, shortly after my last blog entry that I was in need of a major life change. I was unhappy. I was feeling myself turn into something I hated. I was angry all the time. I wasn't enjoying time with my family.

So I made that change. It was awful to go through. At first, I felt liberated. I felt I had proactively saved myself and my family from something that could have turned very ugly years down the road.

Then, slowly but surely, reality set in. It set in hard.

I hurt. It hurt. It hurt like hell. It still hurts. It hurts not to see my daughter every day. It hurts to not have someone right there with you to share those intimate looks regarding this crazy creature you made together. It hurts not to have someone there with you on really fun days, on just your average days. On really hard days when you just can't take it anymore.

I worry. I worry constantly. I worry about the choice I made. I worry about my daughter and how this will affect her. I worry about money. I worry about her dad. I worry about my future, of my daughter's future. I worry about holidays. I worry about missing important moments of her life. I worry that she'll hate me when she's old enough to hear the truth.

I cry. A lot.

I'm exhausted. Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is hard. Having 'days off' isn't what you think it is. Days without my daughter consist of me filling up every minute with errands, cleaning, making plans with friends, anything to fill the time up so I don't just sit there and get really depressed that I am alone without my daughter. This leaves me with very little downtime. I understand that being a parent of a child no matter what the situation is exhausting with very little down time, but it just seems...harder now.

I'm embarrassed. I feel like I failed. I set out to prove that I did not have to be married to have a successful career, a loving relationship, a healthy, well-adjusted daughter. I failed. I get red in the face and flustered when I am confronted with having to admit that I am no longer in a relationship with my daughter's father. I feel it necessary to over-explain our situation, to make myself feel better. Like I didn't fail my family. Like I didn't fail as a mom.

I am lucky. I have an amazing family. I have an amazing group of supportive friends. I have an amazing partner and co-parent in my ex.

I am proud. I am proud of who I have become. Of what I have become and how I am working hard to improve myself, my well-being, for my daughter. I am proud of how hard myself and my ex work to make our current form of a relationship a true friendship. One built out of caring for each other, appreciating what we have, not letting material bullshit get in our way, and most importantly, out of a sincere agreement that our child is the best thing to ever happen to either one of us. She comes first. If it was not for our relationship, she never would have come into this world. Most of all, I am proud of my daughter who has adjusted beautifully and is the most amazing little person in my life.

I am learning to be happy.

I have no idea what is in my future. I'm trying to be okay with that.

But it drives me crazy.